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12 Days of Anita Blake

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12 Days of Christmas, or Sex Toys Under The Tree

by Satire Knight

  WARNING: if you dearly love this carol, be ready to see it get assraped royally in this spoof. But I caught the bug during the Edward Cullen Is Coming To Town carol, so I gotta write another one. Enjoy the horribleness.


On the first day of Christmas
Anita took one for the team
With a werewolf who wants monogamy

On the second day of Christmas
Anita took one for the team
With two giant guns ("Phallic symbols rule!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy ("Yeah, I'm the slut, because owning a harem means you're practically a virgin")


On the third day of Christmas
Anita took one for the team
With three French vamps ("Petit fours!")
Two giant guns ("It's almost like having a penis")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy ("What about MY needs?")

On the fourth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With four calling cops ("Serial killers. Do you remember those?")
Three French vamps ("Garçon!")
Two giant guns ("Bang! Bang! Oooh, the ardeur...")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("You scarred me for life").


On the fifth day of Christmas
Anita took one for the team
With FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings (Nathaniel: "My favorite!")
Four calling cops ("Are you ever gonna do your damn job?")
Three French vamps ("Escargot!")
Two giant guns ("Because I'm tougher than all of you!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("We need couples therapy!")

On the sixth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With six gays a-faking ("You have boobs. Why am I supposed to be excited?")
Five leather G-strings ("I can't wear real clothes with wet hair!")
Four calling cops ("Are you having sex AND conference-calling?")
Three French vamps ("Qu'ils mangent de la brioche!")
Two giant guns ("BANG! BOOM!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("Wait, you're saying I have issues?")

On the seventh day of Christmas
Anita took one for the team
With seven wereswans a-shagging ("Feathers and condoms... SYMBOLISM!")
Six gays a-faking ("Seriously, I'm gay")
FiIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! (Nathaniel: "And they match my frilly apron!")
Four calling cops ("No, we're not paying you if you don't leave your house!")
Three French vamps ("Accouchement!")
Two giant guns ("I can go on a plane with these if I want!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("I think you gave me herpes")

On the eighth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With eight blondes a-bitching ("Have I mentioned how shallow and frigid I am?")
Seven wereswans a-shagging ("We have no personalities!")
Six gays a-faking ("Do you even know what gay means?")
FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! ("I think I'll wear them while grocery shopping!")
Four calling cops ("You're just looking up shit on youtube!")
Three French vamps ("Droit du seigneur!")
Two giant guns ("I CAN KILL ANY OF YOU!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("Oh shut up about Micah. Nobody cares")


On the ninth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With nine strippers dancing ("It's a much better job than teaching")
Eight blondes a-bitching ("Hair color determines your personality")
Seven wereswans a-shagging ("Actually, nobody notices us")
Six gays a-faking ("It means I'm a man who wants to have sex with other men")
FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! (Nathaniel: "But I feel so covered up!")
Four calling cops ("What do you mean, you're a workaholic?")
Three French vamps ("Eau de cologne!")
Two giant guns ("I'm a federal marshal! IAM IAM IAM!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("Maybe should I just become a monk")

On the tenth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With ten vampire queens sleeping ("I'm turning over! Be afraid!")
Nine strippers dancing ("... with toddlers!")
Eight blondes a-bitching ("Sniff sniff, you're ETHNIC!")
Seven wereswans a-shagging ("Who are we again?")
Six gays a-faking ("I don't want to have sex with women")
FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! ("I can attend a funeral in this black one")
Four calling cops ("Put on some damn underwear! This is a crime scene!")
Three French vamps ("Mange tout!")
Two giant guns ("Whaddaya mean, that isn't a license to kill?")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("I mean, after you the priesthood doesn't sound that bad")


On the eleventh day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team 
With eleven wet wipes wiping ("Showers are SO overrated")
Ten vampire queens sleeping ("ZZZZZZZZ... be afraid!")
Nine strippers dancing ("We have no ambitions beyond stripping!")
Eight blondes a-bitching ("I'm just jealous of Anita's creamy goodness")
Seven wereswans a-shagging ("...")
Six gays a-faking ("Like it or not, you're a woman")
FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! ("Ooooh, it has a Hello Kitty face on the crotch!")
Four calling cops ("No, we don't hate you because you're a woman")
Three French vamps ("Roman a clef!")
Two giant guns ("I'm Dirty Harry with boobs!")
And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("I wonder if werewolves can be priests")

On the twelfth day of Christmas 
Anita took one for the team
With twelve bishies "going" ("WEEEEEEEET AND TIIIIIIIIGHT!")
Eleven wet wipes wiping ("Bathtubs are for sex, not cleanliness")
Ten vampire queens sleeping ("I'm still SLOOOOWWLY waking up! Be afraid!")
Nine strippers dancing ("A job based entirely on looks is the best kind!")
Eight blondes a-bitching ("We're skinny too, which makes us doubly evil")
Seven wereswans a-shagging (".... hello?")
Six gays a-faking ("That means I don't enjoy sex with you, no matter how huge your tits are")
FIIIIIIIVE leather G-strings! ("WAAAA! Anita, they arrested me for public indecency!")
Four calling cops ("We only hate you because you're a useless pain in the ass")
Three French vamps ("Sans culottes!")
Two giant guns ("Whoops, shot the mailman again")

And a werewolf who wants monogamy! ("I mean, even celibacy is better than THIS")

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