The private jet was like a long white egg with fins.
That's called a blimp, you dolt.
Okay, it was longer than an egg and more pointy at the ends, but it seemed just as fragile. Have I mentioned I have this little phobia about flying?
Only every single time that she boards a plane. And the author does it in "real life," expecting praise for not freaking out TOO much even as she ruins the flight for everyone else and thinks that flight attendants are trying to kill her.
So Anita sits there freaking out about flying, while Jason spins around on his chair being a dick to Anita. And don't worry, even though Anita is allegedly wetting herself with fear, she doesn't fail to notice EVERYTHING about Jason's appearance.
His thin blond hair was cut just above his shoulders, no bangs.
... uh, I think she means "fine" hair, not "thin." Thin hair is, um...
Hey, he doesn't have bangs either!
So his eyes are blue, he's short, he's wearing fashionably idle clothes, he's basically a whore and he's twenty-one. There, character analysis over.
Shapeshifter blood has a bigger kick to it, more power. You can drink less of it than human blood and feel a hell of a lot better, or so I've observed.
I don't drink too much of it! I can quit whenever I want!
Jason continues being a dick and bugging Anita until she yells for Zane. Who is Zane? I've basically forgotten, but the Anita Blake Wiki says that he's a wereleopard who tried to be their leader/pimp before deciding it was better for Anita to be their leader/pimp. And wow, I wonder what comes next?!
- Clumsy background exposition
- Clothing descriptions
- A pissing contest
- All of the above
Ooooh, the suspense! Errr, which one should I pick? I think it's 2... no, it's probably 1.... oh, I can't decide! Whatever could the answer be?
- 4. All of the above
Wow! I'm so shocked by this! Almost as shocked as I am by the ridiculous outfits and hair of Anita's entourage!
He was about six feet tall, stretched long and thin as if there wasn't enough flesh to cover his bones.
Those giant gaping holes in his flesh tended to frighten small children.
His hair had been dyed a shocking yellow, like neon buttercups, shaved on the sides and gelled into small, stiff spikes on top.
Since the werelopards can't do anything useful, he spends most of his time cosplaying as Naruto.
He wore black vinyl pants, like a slick second skin, and a matching vest, no shirt. Shiny black boots completed the outfit.
- You could smell him from several feel away.
- I have a burning hate for "completed the outfit."
- Has anyone in this series heard of sweatpants? Or, you know, normal-cut jeans instead of skin-tight skinny jeans?
"You rang?" he asked in a voice that was almost painfully deep.
Yeah, what the hell. I'm gonna make that joke.
If a shapeshifter spends too much time in animal form, some of the physical changes can be permanent.
Funnily, these never seem to include prominent physical features like hands, noses, and most importantly... HAIR.
So the two of them have a pissing contest for absolutely no reason, since Jason is apparently having an asshole day and is willing to fight for the right to be an annoying pain in the ass. Then when Anita forbids them to fight, Zane kisses Jason. Yeah, that made lots of sense, and carefully got rid of ANY potentially interesting character tension.
Jason jerked back, laughing. "You bisexual son of a bitch."
"Now, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black," Zane said.
- Is this supposed to be a funny moment?
- And who throws "bisexual" into a humorous insult? If a girl had kissed him, would Jason have said, "you heterosexual bitch."
- It just reeks of bad exposition. "Oh, you son of a bitch, who happens to be bisexual!"
- Also, this is part of the early stages of LKH's yaoi-fangirl phase, where all men are bisexual except for the ones she hates.
- ... except for some reason Jason only ever dates women and his bisexuality just sort of evaporates.
I also have a touch of claustrophobia. I got it from a diving accident, but I've noticed it's worse since I woke up one morning trapped in a coffin with a vampire I didn't like. I got away, but I like enclosed spaces less and less.
... okay, explain to me why the "diving accident" thing was even necessary there. Wouldn't it be good enough to be claustrophobic because of the vampire coffin thing?
The shiny black vest gaped over his thin, pale chest, giving a glimpse of a silver nipple ring.
Thank you, that was very necessary.
Zane patted my knee, and I let him. He was always touching people, nothing personal. A lot of shapeshifters were touchy-feely, as if they were animals instead of people and had fewer physical boundaries,
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Hello, physical boundaries have nothing to do with human hangups. Some animals like to cuddle with other animals, and some do not.
Guess which kind leopards are?! Yeah! Leopards HATE being around each other, and can barely stand to be together long enough to mate. So why the hell would wereleopards constantly be touching and cuddling people? Logically you would expect them to be sitting at the back of the plane, scowling and barricading themselves with flight pillows.
So why are all the weres touchy-feely? Because LKH thinks lots of bishies clinging to a super-strong person is both sexy and shows how awesome her Sue is.
So LKH talks for awhile about how Zane touches people because he's secretly a wuss (a wereleopard being a wuss? COLOR ME SURPRISED!), so Anita allows him to crawl all over her. Yeah, because I really care about that.
Time for another character who will have no impact on the plot whatsoever!
Cherry joined us. She was tall and slender, with straight, naturally blond hair cut very, very short and close to a strong, triangular face.
In case you wonder, she DOES vanish around the time LKH's dislike of blondes turned into total hatred.
And since no woman can be attractive when Anita is there, we're assured that she's dressed like a skank and wearing ugly makeup.
The eye shadow was gray, the eyeliner so black it looked like crayon.
I also doodled a smiley-face on her when she was asleep. Teehee!
Black fishnet stockings, vinyl miniskirt, black go-go boots, and a black lace bra underneath a fishnet shirt.
This is what Anita will be wearing in another five or six books.
Left to her own devices, when she wasn't working as a nurse, she went pretty much topless. She'd been a nurse until they found out she was a wereleopard; then she'd been the victim of budget cuts.
I need to keep a running count of how often LKH screws up continuity from one sentence to the NEXT. The first sentence makes it sound like Cherry currently IS a nurse (ie the "when she was [not] working"), and the next one mentions that she was fired. FUUUUCCCCKKKK! Was there no editor for this damn book?!
And yeah, I know it MIGHT mean she had been dumped from one nursing job and got another, but LKH cements her ineptitude by saying, She'd been a good nurse, and now she'd never be a nurse again. Ever heard of private nurses? Hospices?
It was illegal to discriminate against someone because they had a disease, but no one wants a wereanything treating the sick. People seem to think lycanthropes can't control themselves around freshly spilled blood.
... or maybe it's because it's TRANSMITTED THROUGH BLOOD, meaning that a single paper cut or a scratch with the nails could turn a bunch of people into wereanimals. And it might be also that wereanimals are allegedly unable to handle democracy, and they can be controlled by vampires, and a single slip-up could lead to billions of dollars of lawsuits. And they can go out of control if they freak out.
I'm sure LKH is trying to use this as a metaphor for AIDS. That is stupid. Because people with AIDS (to my knowledge) never eat hospital patients, aren't controllable by vampires, can handle democracy quite well, and don't turn into berserkers if they get too stressed... really, any comparison is fucking stupid.
She was bitter about it and had turned herself into the slut bride from Planet X,
Chalk one up for tolerance. If you dress like a goth clubber, you look like a slut.
It's kind of ironic, since LKH now self-identifies as a goth and preens about her edgy clothes. But before she embraced that, she called women who dressed the way she now does as "slut brides from Planet X."
Trouble was, she looked like a thousand other teens and early twenties who also wanted to be different and stand out.
The irony has not waned, since LKH now looks like a thousand other middle-aged women in a midlife crisis.
And again, this is not how a woman in her mid-twenties thinks of a woman in her early twenties. This is how a woman in her mid-THIRTIES thinks.
Cherry just had this wonderful, deep, sexy voice. She'd have done good phone sex.
Yes, because when you hear a beautiful voice, you immediately think of phone sex. Makes perfect sense.
Though in a skirt that short, I was hoping she was wearing undies. I'd have never have been able to wear something that short and not flash.
It helps if you don't sit down with your legs spread out to show how manly you are.
So since Anita has two vampires and a bunch of weres in tow, all of them with superhuman speed and strength, she's obviously going to use that to her advantage by making sure they are always around her and ready to do battle. This will allow her to use her formidable intellect to free Richard.
Naw, just kidding. She wants to go traipsing off to the police station by herself, and leave the superpowerful weres sitting in the hotel room, doing absolutely nothing. Both Cherry and Zane think this is fucking stupid.
"No, I'm going to go in there flashing my executioner's license. I'm better off on my own."
This woman has the brains of an inbred cabbage.
Zane and Cherry, having sneezed more brain cells than Anita currently has, point out that HELLO Colin knows where they're going, what building they will go for, when they arrive, and he even has a good idea of who will be there. As in, if he doesn't plan an ambush there, he's a fucking idiot because Anita is basically trying to serve herself on a silver platter.
Did Anita anticipate this problem? OF COURSE NOT. She's too busy thinking about how all cops are evil vanilla bigots.
"Look, nothing personal, guys, but you look like the top half of an S and M wedding cake. Cops don't like people who look sort of . . ."
Yes, because taking five minutes to drop by a Gap so they could buy jeans and a T-shirt would be TOO MUCH WORK.
I wasn't sure how to say it without being insulting. Cops were meat-and-potatoes people. They weren't impressed by the exotic.
... so say "exotic," dumbass. That's not insulting.
They'd seen it all and cleaned up the mess. Most of the exotic that they saw were bad guys. After a while, policemen seem to think anything exotic is a bad guy; just saves time.
It actually amazes me that a real-life cop gave LKH advice on police attitudes and procedure... because she seems to have deliberately ignored ALL of it. On THIS planet, cops may be put off a bit by people who dress like colorblind ravers with their tits hanging out (along with a lot of other people), but that doesn't mean they'll immediately pour hate on them. Nor does it mean that they just assume that if you have a pierced nose and dyed hair that you can't be a saint.
EARTH TO LKH: when someone has seen it all, they don't tend to think in cliches and stereotypes. Yes, I'm sure there are SOME who think that way, but you know what? Most with any amount of experience DON'T. They tend to be aware that the bad guys can just as easily be the pleasant housewife or the respectable businessman as the punk or the goth. And you know what else? Cops see as much of the world as anyone else outside the police station, meaning they have probably seen more punks, goths and ravers than LKH has. I'm sure they can cope with fishnet tights and a lace shirt.
Then again, maybe this is all bullshit even in this imaginary world, and LKH/Anita is just projecting. After all, you notice that ALL Anita has noticed is their clothes and how weird they are, and she's sneering assumptions about the woman ("slut").
If I walked into the police station with Tweedle-punk and Tweedle-slut,
Yes, Anita's SUCH a feminist heroine. A woman - who does not seem to be promiscuous at all - dresses in a more revealing manner than our penis-envying protagonist, and Anita immediately calls her "slut this" and "slut that."
And of course, even though Zane and Cherry are wearing matching clothes, both of which are very revealing, its only the woman who gets called a slut.
They'd know I wasn't exactly what I was claiming to be, and that would complicate things.
... no, you WOULD be exactly what you claim to be. What, if a "normal" woman is hanging out with oddly-dressed people, then she MUST secretly be something else?
We needed to make things easier, not harder.
"And if I get killed making things easier, then it was TOTALLY worth it."
And since she's described almost everyone else's clothes, Anita decides to bore us silly with HER clothes. Since they're so boring and totally ordinary, I won't bother to describe them. LKH isn't really interested in the clothes anyone - she wants to show how tough she is by listing all the weapons she has on her person.
The Browning Hi-Power sat under my left arm, a familiar tightness.
Because when I think of a gun, I think of "tightness." Not "a lump under your armpit."
I was carrying three blades. A silver knife in a wrist sheath on each arm and a blade in a sheath down my spine. The handle stuck up high enough that my hair had to hide it, but my hair was thick and dark enough to do the job.
Yes, because the best and easiest place to hide a sword is in the middle of long dark curly hair right behind your head, requiring you to fully extend your arm over your head with the weapon in plain sight. That's the FASTEST and BEST way to store a weapon you might need to use.
The last blade was like a small sword. I'd used it only once for real to pin a wereleopard through the heart. The tip had pushed out his back.
I TOTALLY need this anecdote so everyone will know that I'm a badass and I kill things! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I'M SUCH A BADASS! EVERYONE'S SCARED OF ME!
A silver cross under the blouse for true emergencies,
So if someone throws her off a rooftop, the cross will do something?
and I was packed for werebear, or almost anything else.
So she's packed for werebear... whats? Conventions? Reunions? Song-and-dance routines?
I had a spare clip of normal bullets in my fanny pack just in case I met up with a rogue fairie. Silver didn't work against them.
- I believe this is one of the last references to fairies ever made in the series, and surely the last reference to them as being a potential enemy.
- LKH decided to just eliminate them in all but a few mentions. Even though they were the most important part of one of the Anita novels.
- Why does she keep spelling "fairy" as "fairie"?
So suddenly Nathaniel is there without entering the room. I guess being a were gives you teleportation powers.... or he has climbed over the plane seats so he can cuddle next to Anita. Why? Cuz that's Nathaniel's only reason for existing: groveling at Anita's feet. LITERALLY.
One broad shoulder rested against my jeans in a nice, solid weight. There was actually no way for him to sit there and not touch me. He was always trying to touch me, and he was good enough at it that I couldn't always bitch about it, like now.
Keep in mind that Nathaniel was also the first avatar of LKH's second husband.
Who was also the president of her fan club.
He was nineteen when she met him.
And she wrote about him in a really adoring, horny way.
And at the time, she was married to her first husband, the guy Richard is based on.
It's something interesting to keep in mind.
Time for another boring-ass description of someone's clothes and hair!
He was dressed normally enough in jeans and a tucked-in T-shirt, but the rest of him . . .
The rest of him was covered in Starburst wrappers.
His hair was a deep, nearly mahogany auburn. He'd tied it back in a loose ponytail, but the hair fell like silken water to his knees.
Yeah, aside from being a doormat and literally WORSHIPING Anita, that is Nathaniel's only real characteristic. He has hair that is, by a few books later, literally down to his feet. Even ANIME characters don't usually have hair that long!
And no, Nathaniel never has ANY inconvenience from all that hair. It doesn't get caught in anything, it doesn't get dirty, and it doesn't get tangled up even though he's a fucking stripper.
And yes, I know that there ARE people with hair that long or even longer, mostly men or women from highly traditional cultures, such as Sikhs. But I ask you, how many of those people run around with their hair flowing in the wind during their daily tasks?
Nathaniel gazed up at me with eyes the pale purple of Easter egg grass.
... may I make another comment about ridiculous anime coloring?
I'm pretty sure a person with those color eyes would look almost as ridiculous as... Nathaniel.
Even if he cut the hair, the eyes would have given him trouble.
You didn't mention any trouble from the hair, so... WTF?
He was short for a man, and was also the youngest of us, nineteen.
... yeah, I'm not going to comment on that... the fact that Nathaniel is the same age as LKH's second husband was when he first met her.
I suspected strongly that he was in the middle of a growth spurt.
Why? Was he busy inhaling everything edible within a mile radius? Because that's usually how you can tell.
He was a stripper at Guilty Pleasures, a wereleopard, and once he'd been a male prostitute. I'd put a stop to that... The rule was that none of the leopards were whores.
Yes, Anita insists that her precious wittle wereleopards can't be pimped out for money, and can't be used sexually. But if they're strippers and sexual "food," that's just fine.
Gabriel, their old alpha, had pimped them out.
And sadly, he was the ONLY one who wasn't pathetic.
He pimped his kitties out to the S and M set. People who liked to give pain had paid a lot of money for Nathaniel, once upon a time.
Okay, I'm not in the S&M lifestyle. But I know enough about it to know that the S&M "set" is primarily made out of people who would NOT inflict damage on a sexual partner. As in, "safe, sane and consensual."
And LKH, who later tries to depict herself as a S&M expert, is claiming that the norm involves ALMOST KILLING PEOPLE. Add it to the long list of things she writes that is REALLY offensive.
Zane had tried to take Gabriel's place as pimp and bad-ass kitty,
STOP CALLING THEM "KITTIES." It just underscores how PATHETIC they are.
Nathaniel could bench-press a grand piano, but he was a victim.
Small children regularly stole candy from him.
He liked pain and wanted someone to be in charge of him. He wanted a master and was trying very hard for me to take the job. We might have worked something out, but being his master—or mistress—seemed to include sex, and that I was not up for.
... not until Incubus Dreams, that is. Then they have loud, disgusting, fluid-spewing sex in her office that literally leaves the carpet soaked.
It was considered something of a social gaffe to cuddle up to a different sort of animal. But Jason didn't care. Cherry was female, and he flirted with anything that was female. Nothing personal, just habit.
He was used to humping the leg of any semi-attractive woman who happened to be nearby. Sexual harassment is just part of his charm!
So while he practically crawls up Cherry's skirt, Jason mentions that he's got a suit, and Anita thinks about how even though she doesn't like GIRLY things like makeup and clothes, she wants to give Cherry a makeover. Jason continues sexually harassing Cherry until she threatens him, and Anita just sort of limply tells him to get off.
Jason laughed and stood in one of those lightning-fast movements that they were all capable of.
... but which somehow aren't fast enough to kill one clumsy whiny human woman.
Then Anita starts thinking about the wereleopards and how they also starred in porn. Nathaniel even gave her some of his porn tapes, and Anita just shoved them into the back of her cabinet. Yeah, once again, I'd like to emphasize that even the WERESWANS come across as badass compared to these people.
So then Jason kisses Anita on top of her head, and she overreacts. A lot. As in, she starts doing her best impression of a movie villain right before they vaporize someone.
I turned very slowly in the seat and stared at him. I would have liked to say I stared at him until his smile faded away, but we didn't have that kind of time. Jason would grin on his way into hell. "Don't touch me."
Yes, it's fine and dandy if he practically molests Cherry right in front of her, but don't you dare kiss her on top of the head.
And Anita big chest-puffing display is for nought. Not only is Jason totally unimpressed by her staring, but she gives up as soon as he says something cutesy.
This chapter had less than a page of actual content. I'm scared, mommy.