If you've ever heard LKH wank on about her creative process, most of it boils down to one word: MUSE.
No, but I love you guys for recognizing that. And I love the band, despite Smeyer smearing her uncool stupid all over it and the presence of Kate Hudson.
No, I'm talking about THESE muses:
Well, sort of. LKH actually thinks she has a PERSONAL muse, whom she blames whenever she has writer's block. In most authors' cases, I would think this was an attempt at whimsical quirk, but she's spent too much time talking about it for it to be THAT.
People talk about the Muse as if it’s always beautiful Greek ladies dressed in flowing togas,
- Greek ladies didn't wear togas.
- And there's a reason people talk about the Muses as beautiful Greek ladies in flowing clothes: that is how they were envisioned by... the Greeks. The people who dreamed them up in the first place. Got it?
- It's because they were envisioned as daughters of Zeus.
- They didn't come up with "muse" as a personal source of inspiration either. The Muses were goddesses of all arts, and ALL inspiration came from them.
- You didn't get a personal muse to inspire JUST YOU.
- And yes, I know that lots of people talk about "their muse." But they rarely mean it as seriously as LKH does.
- Seriously, she acts like this is a real thing.
or nude, dancing in a sunlit meadow, with flower garlands in their hands.
Those weren't muses, idiot. Those were NYMPHS. They were minor woodland gods, probably small-time local deities who were incorporated into the Greek pantheon. I have NEVER seen the Muses depicted as naked nymphs with flowers - every time I've seen art of them, they're very modestly dressed... and carrying symbols of their respective arts (lyre, writing tablet, masks, etc), not flowers.
You know, considering that LKH takes any saints or gods she can get her paws on and mashes them into her big Wiccan melting pot... she doesn't seem very knowledgeable about myth and legend.
If my Muse is there she’s sitting under a tree watching the other’s with a jaded eye and a cup of very strong, hot, caffeine in her delicate, but calloused hand.
"Snort. I'm so much manlier and tougher than all those OTHER muses. Look at them with their Grecian-style clothing and their beautiful faces. So GIRLIE. I'm manly and jaded and tough! For no reason other than LKH couldn't have a NON-tuff muse!"
- Again, if you're gonna bring up Grecian muses....THEY HAD NO PERSONAL MUSES.
- But then, LKH couldn't possibly have a muse who does MUSEY things like inspire people or... SOCIALIZE with the other muses! Ugh!
- No, her muse is super-tuff! And manly! And drinks coffee! And she's too jaded and cynical to have fun or anything! She's tuff! And awesome! And not GIRLIE!
- And she's curvy and pale and has black curly hair and she's super-short too!
- And she has nothing to do with all the other muses, because they're GIRLIE and therefore weak and pathetic.
- I bet she wears sexy black leather too!
My visual lately for my Muse has a knight on horseback. The horse has wings like Pegasus, and both it, and the knight are in shining silver armor that flashes in the sun, as they ride/fly charging across the sky/ground.
... well, that's random. Especially since Muses and pegasi are envisioned as being ancient Grecian, whereas knights were more... medieval. It's like a Viking and a modern person in the same fantasy.
And why does the horse have wings, pray tell? It sounds like something a nine-year-old would envision - "And there's this knight, and he's riding on a HORSE WITH WINGS, and they're FLYING..." Seriously, why not just give him a unicorn and be done with it? Oooh, I forgot, any muse of LKH's would be too non-virginal and sexy for a unicorn to come near.
The knight is armed with sword and shield, and other instruments of destruction,
A shield is not an "instrument of destruction." DUH. And is the word "weapon" just too mundane for her?
and he rides through the sunlit meadow, scattering the dancing women. They run screaming the flowers trampled underfoot, and he scoops up one of the fleeing women, puts her in front of his saddle and rides off with her. She’s crying, screaming for help.
.... well, that turned friggin' dark really fast! I mean, LKH is nattering about her muse and stuff, and suddenly there's a guy trying to rape an innocent woman.
What the hell?! So LKH's fantasy envisioning of her muse involves RAPE? What kind of sick person thinks that way?
But the muse under the tree walks out into his path, one hand out, cup of coffee still in her hand, bored look on her face.
Yes, her muse is such a bitch that she can't even be bothered to CHANGE EXPRESSION when a woman is about to be raped. As for hurrying, fuhgeddaboutit. She can't do all that work for a GURL. A girlie GURL who likes FLOWERS.
The horse rears, knight fighting to keep it from trampling her, she never flinches, sips her coffee, doesn’t spill a drop.
Cuz any muse of LKH's is just too cool, tough and jaded to ever try to avoid danger.
Also, this douchebag just kidnapped a random woman so he can rape her. Why does he care whether he tramples LKH's Sue... I mean, Muse?
.... wait, I just realized that M. Sue is an anagram for MUSE! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
Knight sits there looking down at her; she looks up at him, a tiny wry smile quirks one side of her mouth.
Then he jumps down from the pegasus and rapes her, then chops her head off with his sword. The end.
He raises the visor on his helmet so you can see his face. He’s smiling.
... and why would he be smiling? Violent rapist assholes do not tend to be charmed by self-important wimmenz.
She shakes her head, and taps one finger in the air towards the ground, and takes another sip of coffee. Knight slides the crying woman down to the ground. She stumbles away to join the other women cowering in the trees.
"Yes, run away, you stupid weak little GURL. Run away to all the stupid dress-wearing flower-garland-holding GIRLIE GIRLS, who are stupid and cowardly! LKH's personal muse sneers at you for your stupid girliness!"
"You aren't MANLY and TOUGH enough to be worthy of a violent rapist! You're not AWESOME enough! You don't DESERVE a man as awesome as the violent rapist!"
The knight and the woman look at each other.
And then he swings his sword and chops off her head. Please tell me that's how it ends!
He holds his hand out to her.
And when she takes it, he chops her hand off. Because he's a rapist asshole.
She gives him a narrow look, finishes her coffee, sits it on the ground to one side, and takes his hand.
So was her coffee standing before? And if she planned to get up on the shiny sparkly Pegasus, why would she give him a "narrow" look?
He swings her up behind him on the horse, the wings flaring between them, around them,
"Between" and "around" do not have the same meaning. In fact, they're practically opposites. Also, I have never ridden a Pegasus, but I expect having wings waving around while you try to get on its back would make it PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to ride.
as she wraps her arms around his armored waist, and he lays a gauntleted hand over her arms, as if assuring himself she’s really there.
… WHY WOULD HE? He doesn't know this woman, or at least hasn't given any indication that he does. Or is her "moose" supposed to be just like Anita and have all attractive RAPISTS immediately fall for her?
Because sometimes the muse is out dancing in the meadow and the writing just dances out of your fingers and onto the page,
… except that she depicted that as not being worthy of her darkity-edgy Muse, since her Muse is too dark, edgy, manly and tough to ever dance in the meadow. She's too busy being contemptuous of the muses who DO, cuz they're GIRLIE.
and sometimes you have ride your muse/mind/imagination down with a sword and force the issue.
… except that isn't what she depicted as happening. HER personal muse (since she claims to have one) is sitting off to the side unmolested, while her inner rapist knight goes hunting down OTHER people's muses. Brilliant. You think she didn't think out this terrible metaphor very well? Because it sounds suspiciously like she's talking about RIPPING OFF other people's works.
It also reminds me of this one Sandman story by Neil Gaiman about this asshole writer who buys the muse of writing or whatever, and rapes her to get inspiration. Except… he wasn't a self-insert. And he had a very messy end to his story.
But the best moments are when your muse/mind/imagination and your will join forces.
"Onward, to glorious molestation and kidnapping of other people's muses!"
Wait, so the rapist knight on the sparkly pegasus is supposed to be her "will"? So… according to this, her "will" goes running after OTHER people's creative elements in order to force inspiration from them… and then only joins up with HER "muse" if the muse feels like it. Otherwise, her will just rapes and plunders other people's muses.
Fuck, this is pretty awful.
When inspiration and will are one, nothing and no one can stop you,
Except the Avengers! They can do anything!
so let the other writers dance in the meadow, and take whatever muse comes easy to their hand,
Let other writers write their stupid books with stupid PLOT, and characters whom you actually LIKE, and stuff going on BESIDES sex and power struggles! They're doing the EASY stuff!
but for me, I want the one in the corner who fights back because she has something to say.
- And that something is, "Fuck me while I'm tight!"
- Uh, her muse didn't fight back. She hopped right on the pegasus horse with the rapist "will" knight. So what is this about "fighting back"?
- Nor does she seem to have anything worth saying. She just slumps around acting like Anita, who is completely useless.
- Also, the whole point of a muse is to inspire. They're not supposed to "fight back."
- And just because you fight back doesn't mean you have anything to say.
- Finally, this entire rant is hilarious coming from LKH. She's notorious for dragging her feet with every book she writes, turning them in as late as possible, and blaming her "muse" whenever she gets writer's block. Her online blogs, tweets and facebook… um, facebookings are notorious for coming up with reasons why she won't be writing, ranging from ankle injuries (she needs her feet to type?) to being compelled to visit friends.
- And sometimes she just blames the damn muse for "sulking."
- "Hey, Mr. Publisher Person! I'm so totally working hard, but the reason my book is behind schedule is because I have to fight my muse! But don't worry, the book will be even awesomer because I'm NOT inspired!"
Art is always a battle; it’s just a question of whose side you’re on, and how hard you’re willing to fight for it.
… and if that doesn't work, you can just chase down other people's muses and rape them.