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So this movie starts by cruelly stoking my hopes that someone, somewhere in production MIGHT have cracked open a book on medieval history. Specifically, the opening credits are over a medieval tapestry...

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... a story that will make blood shoot out your ears!

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So we can expect a lot of yelling, huh?

... while music plays to tell us that this is EPIC and EXCITING, and it will probably be recycled somewhere else in the movie. It helps when the derpy-faced people you're looking at are moving. Come to think of it, EVERYBODY looks funny in a medieval tapestry. I mean, look at that guy's NOSE. It's shaped like a crooked finger.

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But then they were all abducted by aliens, probed vigorously, and then turned up randomly in South America. Nobody knows why.


Most of the young English noblemen who flocked to his banner never returned home.

Yes, that generally happens in a war. People die. Lots of people. It was especially common back before antibiotics, vaccinations and semi-competent doctors.

And I'm not sure why I should really care about the NOBLEMEN exclusively. There were a lot of crusaders who WEREN'T noble. Take Cadfael, a humble soldier who was also a ladies man, and became a kickass herbalist monk when he returned to England.

cadfael.jpg

So then we are shown a minaret with a guy yelling the call to prayer. Why? Because we're in the Middle-East, and that is one of the two ways of tipping people off that we're in the Middle-East. The other way is a camel, but I'm sure we won't see THAT. It would just be stupid!


Jerusalem 1194 A.D.

I guess they figure we're too dumb to know where Jerusalem is.

Oh, and note:

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It is sunset, and the entire sky is red. Remember this. It WILL get stupid.

Then we cut to a prison of some kind, where sweaty topless men are being manhandled. Huh. I guess this is what they mean when they make jokes about Turkish prisons. So one of them is unchained, and the prison guards whip out a very large, shiny scimitar to chop off his hand.


GUARD:
Show him the courage of Allah!

I don't really get how you can show someone God's courage. Also, for someone who apparently has spent years sitting in a prison, the prisoner is kinda ripped.

Then we pan over to a bunch of guys with big bushy beards and hair. Dammit, I can't tell who is who! It's like watching Duck Dynasty with the lights turned off and the brightness turned down.

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GUARD
He says you stole the bread.

PETER OF DUBOIS
It's a lie, I caught him stealing ours.

Wait... I thought they only cut off your hand for theft if you were on the outside. I don't know much about Sharia-led countries (mainly because it makes me frothing mad) but I don't think they had strict "no stealing from your cellmate or else" laws.


QUARD
Cut off the infidel's hand.
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
I stole the bread.
PETER OF DUBOIS
That's not true!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
They're not interested in the truth
PETER OF DUBOIS
But he's lying!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
Peter, you'll not life trough it
QUARD
As you wish, cut the other one's hand off as well
PETER OF DUBOIS
I'm sorry. I'm sorry Robin. No no!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
Puts his hand near the chopper

This is English courage

Retreats his hand and hits his guards. One of the them fall in the fire

This is for five years of hell!
AZEEM
Behind you!!

They attack the guards
PETER OF DUBOIS
Come on, Robin, for God's sake. Come on!
PRISONER
Robin, take us with you!
AZEEM
You can not safe those people, Christian, but you can safe me!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
I'm coming
AZEEM
Christian!!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
Why should I?
AZEEM
For pity's sake. Mine is the sentence of death
PETER OF DUBOIS
No Robin, he's a Moor, don't listen to him:
AZEEM
Set me free, I will show you a way out
PETER OF DUBOIS
Why should we?
AZEEM
If you do not, we are all dead men
PETER OF DUBOIS
For God's sake, Robin, they're coming!!
ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
To the other prisoners

I'm sorry

AZEEM
Hurry! This way

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