Have you ever had to have lunch with your lover’s fiancé?
Well, I can tell this is going to end well. Sexual competition who might have a better claim on one of Anita's lovers than her? Dead meat.
So we're introduced to Dr. Ellen Radbourne. We are quickly informed that she:
- has dark hair, but not as dark as Anita.
- pale skin, but not as pale as Anita's (she is capable of tanning, that freak!).
- is the same height as Anita, but probably is not as hobbity.
- has brown eyes, but not as brown as Anita's.
- is curvy, but Anita's boobs are WAY bigger.
- is in shape, but not as in shape as Anita.
So in other words, she's probably gorgeous, but in no way does she measure up to the awesomeness that is Anita. Because looking like Tim Burton's fetish doll makes you the hottest person alive, doncha know.
She was in shape, though not as fit as I, but then I doubt she needed to hit the weights and cardio as hard for her job as I did for mine.
- Which job?
- The marshal job she didn't earn, or the animating job she hardly ever does, or the vampire-executing job, or the queen-of-everything job she got for no reason?
- Ah yes, she totally needs to do lots of weights for her job.
- You know, that job that required no weight-lifting at all for most of her career, until LKH decided that Manly Weight-Lifting was the only real exercise.
We’d chatted through ordering food, eating food, and finally ordered coffee and tea, and still they hadn’t brought up anything serious, or anything to do with the reason for this meeting.
Because all conversations are about deadly-serious talk, and are ALWAYS about a "reason." Social interactions are for GURLS!
I hadn't had to endure this much small talk in years.
"I mean, they talked about things OTHER than how awesome I am, how manly I am, how tough I am, how sexy I am, how wet and tight my vagina is..."
We’d learned a lot about each other, but unless we were looking to date, I didn’t see the point.
Like, seriously, why would you talk to anyone if you're NOT going to have sex with them? If you're not going to fuck them, then ignore them completely.
Since it's being hammered into our faces that this woman is a sad inferior copy of Anita's awesomeness, she has a doctorate in biology, teaches college-level classes, and does field research. She's also outdoorsy, doing all kinds of stuff like hiking and caving.
She reminded me of the last two serious girlfriends he’s had. He certainly had a type, as if only the names changed for his short, dark haired women. He’d sleep with a variety, but for serious dating it was always women like us.
... WHO IS "HE"?
I swear I have not cut any information out of this. I even went back to the original text and checked. She just starts talking about "him" and "he" as if we're supposed to know which of her dozens of lovers she's supposed to be referring to, with no name or even hint about who it is.
This is especially galling because LKH insists on reintroducing every single one of her horrible, horrible characters every time they reappear. We need to have it mentioned what color JC's eyes are at least six times when he appears, but we can't even find out who this woman is apparently engaged to.
She liked camping, bird watching, hiking, caving, climbing, and all sorts of outdoor stuff. I had, at one time, enjoyed all of that, but my job as a U. S. Marshal for the preternatural branch didn’t leave me much room for hobbies.
- Keep desperately trying to convince us that Anita is a Super Serious Marshal No Really Please Believe Me, LKH.
- Anita is not even a part-time marshal, you dipshit. She is only called in on particularly odd cases.
- And oh, she doesn't have any time for hobbies because SHE MARSHALS ALL THE TIME SO HARD! Never mind that she has another part-time job AND a full-time job she allegedly works super-hard at.
- So she has time for other jobs, but not for hobbies. That makes perfect sense.
- Just admit it, LKH: Anita is a sour, miserable bitch who doesn't like to do anything, especially if it's messy or exercise-related (unless it involves large quantities of semen). She can join Bella Swan in being boring and useless.
My gym time was more serious, because my life could depend on how fast I could run, how hard I could hit, and just how tough I could be.
And when was the last time that happened? Seriously, when was the last time Anita actually succeeded in running, hitting or being tough? As opposed to, say, letting someone jizz on her boobs? (Yes, that actually happened during a showdown with the villain)
Dr. Radborne probably didn’t have to worry about any of that. It meant I could have out arm wrestled her, but she probably had a more reasonable work schedule.
Sniff sniff, she doesn't have the super-dangerous job, so she isn't as tough and awesome as Anita is! SHE ISN'T AS GREAT AS ANITA NYAH NYAH!
So Ellen is being perfectly nice, and Anita is sitting there making creepy serial-killer faces at her for no reason.
Most women took eyes that were too neutral as unfriendly.
- Possibly because they usually are.
- For instance, Anita has been telling us at length how she is superior to this woman, and how she doesn't want to actually interact with her or know anything about her because they aren't going to fuck.
- That sounds pretty unfriendly to me.
- I have to wonder what this is based on, since most social functions in the Anitaverse (the Flirt lunch, the dance recital) are based on actual things LKH has done.
- Maybe she had to encounter her ex-husband's second wife, and was sullen about it.
- Or maybe, since she's now part of a
polysquid"polyquad," this was her reaction when her girlfriend Gen decided to marry a guy that LKH seems to be mildly hostile towards.
Men understood that sometimes you didn’t want to smile, but you weren’t mad either, while women expect other women to be pleasant, and if you’re not they think you don’t like them.
- LKH doesn't really seem to have any woman friends she doesn't fuck or publicly grind on. Does it show?
- Yes, men take a person blankly staring at them with dead, empty fish-eyes as a sign that that person is totally okay with them and merely doesn't feel like smiling.
- It's only those stoopid icky gurls who expect the most basic social skills out of people they're dining with. They have fake smiles constantly plastered on their faces. Guuurrrrrrrllllssss.
- LKH, you've made it abundantly clear that Anita DOESN'T like this woman. Why should we NOT interpret Anita's sullen mask face and dead cold eyes as a sign of dislike?
- Oh look, more misogyny. Wimmen suck, men are great.
There are so many reasons that most of my friends are men.
Mostly because then you can fuck them.
The only saving grace to this Saturday lunch fiasco
What about this is a fucking fiasco? The fact that Anita is being forced to socialize with someone who isn't mindlessly worshiping her, and whom she has no power over? Truly a soul-crushing horror.
The us was Micah Callahan,
A professional writer wrote that. Weep for the English language.
And because we care so fucking much about the Walking Tool here, we're informed once again about how he's hobbit-short, has greeny-yellow pee-colored eyes, has a pretty girly face and can wear Anita's bootylicious pants. I really would not be shocked if it was eventually revealed that Micah was actually a woman.
He was the only man I’d ever dated who matched my height.
- Then clearly Anita hasn't looked very hard. Yes, that is below average for a man, but it's not that abnormal to find a guy that height. Seriously, Lord of the Rings starred four of them.
- Prior to JC and Richard, Anita had only dated one man that we ever heard of. So... not much of an achievement. It's like saying, "It was the first camel I'd ridden with a saddle."
- I don't know why she drills the fact of Micah's shortness into us every single time she describes him.
- I think she believes that physical similarities like height
and suspiciously womanly hipsare a sign of greater compatibility. But Hamilton's husband - whom Micah is very obviously based on - is TALLER than she is. Why does she believe this?
Micah was wearing a forest green t-shirt that was actually made of silk, which always seemed wrong for a t-shirt, but since it also made it petably soft and looked fabulous on him I didn’t complain.
- Yes, silk T-shirts exist.
- Yes, they are made for men.
- No, they don't look dramatically different from regular T-shirts.
- So why the silk T-shirt? Because LKH thinks that silk = classee.
- That's "pettably," you dumbass.
- A word, by the way, that LKH has also used to refer to her husband.
- Ah yes, it looked faaaaaaaaabulous on him! With the feather boa and glittery makeup!
set in the delicate triangle of his dark skinned face.
Since when has Anita ever screwed a dark-skinned man?!
He still had his summer tan that he got every year
So a white man with a tan = "dark-skinned." And some Anita Blake fans wonder why I say she's racist. Light and dark skin all exist in the spectrum of "white"... and oh yeah, there are those black people in the corner, who don't count.
LKH jabbers for awhile about how her husband's avatar has a "feminine" face, and how he has a delicate little wasp waist and lots of muscles. Again, if Micah turned out to be a woman, it wouldn't shock me. In fact, his giant penis might just be a strap-on that Anita hasn't noticed yet.
Then we switch over to Richard Zeeman, the avatar of LKH's ex-husband, whom she spent the better part of a decade shitting on because he dared to move on and get married after their divorce. We get the rundown of his clothes and his muscles... which is interrupted by Anita nattering about her OWN clothes and whether things coordinated. Because what says "manly and uninterested in girly things" more than going on about clothes and shoes?
I was wearing skinny black jeans
Yes, she has curves, a big booty and "lush" thighs, which means she can wear skinny jeans. Keep dreamin'.
tucked into some really nice boots, and a silk t-shirt that matched Micah’s except for color -- mine was red, which matched my lipstick, and brought out the flame pattern in my boots.
Ugh. Flame boots.
Okay, let me explain. A few years back, LKH went on this spree of buying lots and lots of overpriced, unattractive New Rock boots. Seriously, the woman has the worst taste in shoes I've ever seen. Every pair of shoes I've ever seen her in either made her legs look short and fat, or they just looked ugly.
And for some reason, she decided that flame boots were THE thing to wear.
Instead of, you know, being kinda tacky and silly. But since Anita is totally not her and never was, Anita has to have the exact same boots.
a button up dress shirt in a blue that complimented the jeans more than her skin tone, or at least, that was my opinion, which I kept to myself.
"Sniff, that dumb bitch wears clothes that look awful on her. Not like me, with my inch-thick orange-red lipstick, bright red shirts and flame boots!"
But then Anita wibbles for awhile about how the men are wearing similar-colored shirts. Micah, of course, looks better than Richard because he's based on the current husband, and he has way prettier eyes because pee-colored cat eyes in a human face are way hotter than mere brown eyes.
Dribble with lust, people!
And of course, we need detailed descriptions of their clothes, including that Richard is wearing plebeian hiking boots, while Micah is wearing black cordovan leather designer shoes. You know, just in case you missed that he's way better than Richard.
Remember how this was supposed to be some kind of meeting with a woman who is supposed to be Richard's fiancee? Whatever happened to that? Are we just going to hear what everyone is wearing, or are we going to get on with this miserable passive-aggressive story?
Richard’s hair fell in foaming waves
LKH, hair does not foam unless it either has soap in it, or has suffered massive damage.
And because EVERYTHING has to be compared between these guys, we're assured that Micah's hair is curly instead of being wavy, which means he's more like Anita = perfect for her.
since this lunch was supposed to help Dr. Ellen understand that I had other yummy men in my life so I didn’t need to steal Richard from her,
... but she will anyway, because people aren't allowed to reject Anita. And definitely not for sexual competition. Just ask Joseph the werelion.
Micah had left the hair unbound around his shoulders so that it trailed deep brown chestnut curls to mid-back.
... and this is supposed to assure her how? I know LKH believes her husband's hair is an unstoppable force of cosmic sex appeal, but having Micah do his best shampoo hair toss won't convince anyone that Anita isn't a selfish man-collecting skank.
My hair was the same length, and I realized, weirdly, that both Richard’s and Dr. Ellen’s hair was just past their shoulders. They say that after awhile couples begin to look alike.
"After awhile"? This is literally the first we had ever heard of Ellen or the relationship.
“Well, this is more awkward than I thought it would be,” she said.
“It’s about as awkward as I thought it would be." I said.
Micah squeezed my hand under the table, a silent bid for me to play nice. I smiled harder, and did my best to push it up into my eyes.
You know, this doesn't exactly convince me that Anita ISN'T just a jealous, possessive, bitter harpy who loathes all sexual competition, refuses to let any sexual partners move on, and totally doesn't want to keep Richard for herself. LKH is trying to tell me that, while demonstrating the exact opposite.
“I’m sorry, I did force this on all of us,” she said, and she looked genuinely uncomfortable.
"I mean, imagine the impoliteness of wanting to actually see the woman my boyfriend has been continuously fucking throughout our relationship. Why didn't I think of HER feelings?"
And yes, this is exactly what is happening here. Richard is engaged to this woman... which has not stopped him from fucking Anita, his ex-fiancee, who has dozens of other men she's also fucking. And Ellen is fully aware of this fact, and has NOT either broken it off or torn Anita's pouty pasty face off her skull.
Either this woman is an epic doormat, or she has the tolerance of a saint.
Why did I feel we owed Richard this lunch? He wasn’t an ex-lover, but a current lover, and Ellen knew that, so socially awkward didn’t even begin to cover today’s little event.
And why exactly has he not broken off his relationship with Anita, if he's engaged?
And then... seriously, the drinks? Anita starts describing the drinks they ordered for some reason. Of course, darling Micah ordered the same coffee as Anita but doesn't like it either (OMG SOULMATES!) while Richard and Ellen ordered tea that they also haven't drunk (OMG SO NOT COMPATIBLE WITH ANITA DIFFERENT DRINKS U SUK RICHARD!).
I think we’d all ordered simply to have an excuse to stay at the table longer without the waiter bitching.
- WHY? Anita has been bitching and whining about being here all this time, and now it turns out she ordered a drink to PROLONG what she considers unnecessary and unpleasant.
- She just needed something more to gripe about, didn't she?
- Clearly LKH doesn't go out much if she thinks that waiters are allowed to openly "bitch" at you.
- And wait, they've already had their meal?! The beginning of this story made it sound like they were just sitting down and small-talking about inconsequential fluff. The line about it being awkward seemed to support that, because that is what you'd say at the BEGINNING of a social engagement instead of the end.
- Instead, apparently Anita has been sullenly sitting there in silence for an hour or so, fuming about how that stupid Dr. Ellen totally isn't as sexy or tough as she is, so there.
- And even though this is supposed to be about these women meeting and talking to each other... apparently they haven't actually spoken IN ALL THAT TIME. The topic the whole meeting is supposed to be about WAS NOT EVEN BROUGHT UP.
- Is LKH an alien?
- Has she ever actually done this sort of thing?
- Does she know what human social interaction is like?
I knew with that small eye flick that I looked too good, had dressed too well, and she had done that girl thing where you compare yourself to the ex, and she didn’t feel like she was winning.
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! And tough! And cooler than you! And I wear super-sexy chic clothes like Mary Janes with stiletto heels! And my boobs are bigger than yours!"
"Does she do this often, Richard?"
"All the time."
This was so not my problem;
"I am so fourteen years old!"
It wasn’t like I’d shown up in a designer outfit after telling her I was wearing jeans. It wasn’t my fault that I dressed my jeans up more than she did.
Right, clearly she's just jealous because you're wearing such glorious sexy chic clothes. Get the feeling that LKH thinks that anyone who is unimpressed by her clothing is just intimidated by her superior fashion sense?
And because it's a day that ends in Y, Anita gets angry. Why is she angry? Well, because a single glance has caused her to conclude that this woman is intimidated by her superior fashion sense. And that makes her angry because... she's a psychotic moron, and rage is how she responds to anything that makes her even slightly uncomfortable.
And Anita has so little self-control that Micah immediately starts desperately trying to make her calm down before she starts hulking out and beating Ellen with a chair.
Richard hugged Ellen to him. “Ellen, honey, you can see that Anita and Micah are a couple. What more do you want to be reassured?”
How about you stop fucking the Sarlacc pit, you insensitive sack of shit? Or at least stop expecting her to be 100% okay with you fucking around, especially since there's been no mention of an actual open relationship?
“Honestly?” she asked.
“That would be nice,” I said.
"Stoopid gurls are never blunt and say what they think, because they're stupid and girly and think about manners. Only MEN like me are HONEST."
"Richard, she's doing it again."
"But it's so charming and sexy when she does it!"
Ellen gave me a not entirely friendly look
HOW DARE SHE! How dare she not be entirely friendly towards the rude, sullen lump that's been glowering and sneering at her throughout the meal. THE NERVE OF THAT WOMAN!
“For you not to sit there looking fabulously beautiful and making me feel like an ugly duckling to your swan.”
Oh joy. We've reached THAT part of an Anita Blake story, where everyone assures her that she's the sexiest, most alluring creature in the history of the world, and that no other woman compares to her spellbinding beauty. And Anita, being so humble and not-girlie, will immediately deny that she is, but we're meant to totally believe that no other woman is as hot or beautiful as she is. And of course, NO ONE has any standards BESIDES the ones that rank Anita as the hottest ever - nobody ever has a preference for redheads, or slender women, or black women, or anything.
Nope, she is the peak of every single human being's concept of beauty in EVERY WAY. She can't just be beautiful - she has to be EVERY person's MOST beautiful. Hell, the most "beautiful" male not based on LKH's husband is essentially Anita sans boobies, so she's the pinnacle of both male and female beauty.
This is just LKH masturbating with her keyboard, and it's TORTUROUS. Seriously, a book after this compares Anita, without an ounce of self-deprecation, to Helen of Troy. I am not shitting you.
And that line... that line is AWFUL. That line is CRAP. It actually is painful to think about that line as-is. And Anita's fake-humility is especially grating here because she's spent the whole story assuring us that Ellen is so totally not as hot as she is in every way, THEN she pretends that she so totally is not prettier than Ellen.
LKH must really, really hate her ex-husband's wife. Or her girlfriend's husband. Whichever inspired this charming little lump of shit.
Richard turned that handsome face to her, and said, “You’re beautiful, Ellen, you know that.”
She shook her head. “I’m pretty, but I’m not . . .” she waved vaguely in my direction, “. . . this.”
"I'm not a blow-up doll with a Tim Burton color scheme! Nothing is sexier or more beautiful than that!"
moved his hand to my thigh, which was sometimes more calming for both of us than hand holding.
He calmly finger-banged me while I told Ellen how much she sucked.
“I’m not prettier than you are,” I said.
She gave me a look of utter scorn. “From one woman to another, don’t bullshit me.”
"How dare you not tell everyone that you're the most beautiful woman in the world, which you so clearly are!"
“How honest do you want me to be?” I asked.
You've never been honest before, so why start now? But if you feel like starting, then just say, "I'm a loathsome raping murdering slave-merchant sack of shit who deserves to be torn apart with acid-soaked tweezers."