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In the Twilight universe all vampires were originally human.

Thank you for the insight, Captain Obvious.

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As vampires, they retain a close physical resemblance to their human form, the only reliably noticeable differences being a universal pallor of skin, a change in eye color, and heightened beauty.

  1. Yes, all vampires become white. Think about the implications of that. Then see below.
  2. You know, Smeyer never even TRIES to explain why the hell becoming an undead mutant would change your eye color.
  3. Then again, when she DOES try to explain this stuff scientifically, she screws it up. So yeah, keep it a mystery.
  4. Of course, this DOESN'T explain why they are changed at all in the story since it doesn't really serve any purpose in vampire anatomy, and it doesn't have anything to do with the plot.
  5. And the "heightened beauty" thing is hilarious. What, does the vampire venom make your nose smaller, give you cheek implants and deflate your ass?
  6. She forgot to mention giving you hilariously bad eye makeup.


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The cellular membrane of the vampire is not as soft or permeable as in a human cell; it has crystalline properties that cause the surface of vampire skin to react prismatically, giving the vampire a glitter-like shimmer in sunlight.

... you see what I mean about Smeyer trying to explain stuff?

  1. You know, the whole REASON for having a cell membrane is that it has to be selectively permeable. If you take away the permeability, it would not work. It defeats the purpose. It. Is. Stupid.
  2. Also, you know what hard cell membranes are called? Cell walls.
  3. You know what don't have cell walls? ANYTHING THAT MOVES UNDER ITS OWN POWER.
  4. You know why this is? Because important cells like, say, MUSCLE CELLS could not move if they were restricted.
  5. As in, Smeyer's vampires should not be able to fucking move because they have crystallized cell membranes.


And this is not some esoteric trivia that ONLY biologists know about. This is the most basic form of biology that you can possibly study. You remember how Bawla and Edward were dazzling everyone with their brains in science class? Smeyer would FAIL that class because of this error!


BEAUTY:
The common factor of beauty among vampires is mostly due to this crystalline skin.


... because nothing says "timeless beauty" like "has a disco ball for a face."

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The perfect smoothness, gloss, and even color of the skin give the illusion of a flawless face.

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Nope, still not overwhelmed by his perfect beauty, even if he IS smooth, glossy and even-colored.

This is another one of Smeyer's ideas that probably sounded brilliant as Edward's penis in her head, but sounds reeeeaaallly stupid when she tries to explain it out loud. Sorry, Smeyer, but "perfect" skin does not give the illusion of a flawless face. If you have a nose like Owen Wilson, "perfectly" smooth/glossy/even-colored skin will not make you look flawless.


The skin reacts differently to light, creating an angular effect that heightens the perception of beauty.

Because nothing says "perfect beauty" like BENDING LIGHT. On your face. Because human beings are attracted by strange light effects.

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Sorry, naked mole rat. You're still funny-looking at best. But we love you even if you do look like a testicle with teeth and feet.


Additionally, the stonelike firmness of the vampire body creates a look similar to muscle, making any size human appear more fit as a vampire.

Little-known fact: Superman is actually as flabby and out-of-shape as Bella. He only LOOKS muscular because he's the "man of steel" and his skin is so tough!

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Seriously, this is bullshit. Hardened skin does not make you look more muscular. MUSCLES make you look more muscular. Hardened skin makes you look stiff and leathery. Also, is she seriously claiming that if a guy with a big beer gut were turned into a vampire, he would magically look muscular?! That's not how it works!


When choosing a human for the transformation process, vampires are as likely as humans to be motivated by a beautiful face and body.

... which would be a more effective argument if the damn vampires didn't keep turning people BY ACCIDENT. Also, apparently vampires don't ever transform people because they actually care about them regardless of looks. They transform them because they're horny and shallow.


The venom leeches all pigment from the skin as it changes the human skin into the more indestructible vampire form.

Which leaves us with the question.... WHY? I mean, what is the REASON for leeching all the pigment? Is it a side effect? If so, a side-effect of what? Why does nobody notice the ALBINO SKIN TONE of the vampires except Bawla?


Regardless of original ethnicity, a vampire‘s skin will be exceptionally pale. The hue varies slightly, with darker-skinned humans having a barely discernible olive tone to their vampire skin, but the light shade remains the same.


...

...

...

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WHAT. THE. HELL.

I didn't think something this fundamentally RACIST would actually make it past a real-life editor. I mean, people got upset when Laurell K. Hamilton wrote that sickle cell anemia (NOT EVERY BLACK PERSON HAS THAT! MOST DO NOT!) keeps almost all black people from becoming vampires! But this is actually WORSE!

I mean, SERIOUSLY. She is writing that when people who aren't already pasty-white will become white when they become superhuman gorgeous immortals who fucking sparkle and are referred to as "perfect" at least six times a page. In other words, if you become "perfect," you will become white. When you become white, you will become "perfect." And don't worry, people who are black, brown, olive-skinned or the like - when you are accepted into the Mormon Church made "perfect" vampires, all that nasty non-whiteness will just go away! After all, who would want to NOT be the color of toothpaste?

I mean, FUCK. If a newbie author did that, does anyone think it would pass muster? No wonder I never see black Twilight fans!

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I mean, look at how Smeyer depicts her characters:

Characters Skin Color Overall Characteristics
The Cullens Pure white Rich, cultured, super-smart, beautiful, harmonious, repeatedly referred to as "perfect"
Bella Swan "Albino" pale Super-smart, well-read, beautiful, humble, immediately accepted by the Cullens as one of their family.
The Quileutes "Russet" Poor, hot-tempered, poorly-educated (werewolves drop out

of school), constantly bickering, turn into big hairy aggressive animals; the only ones in the last book who are "good" have

been accepted into the Cullens' fold.


Which leads me to something I try to avoid talking explicitly about, but there's simply no avoiding it: this attitude is particularly bad because it comes from a Mormon.

DISCLAIMER: I honestly try to leave religion out of my snarks. I really do. Oh, I'll mention it if the AUTHOR brings it into play, such as the religious clusterfuckery that exists in Talia Gryphon's books, or if the book is intended to be religiously based, such as Donita K. Paul's shittastic Christian fantasies. The same goes for atheism, which I don't tend to mention unless the AUTHOR does (like Christopher Paolini) and it renders parts of his book stupid.

But I just can't stay silent on this, because then I wouldn't be accurately snarking.

I would also like to add that I am not Mormon. I have never been Mormon. I have no close friends who are Mormons. I know some stuff about their religion, but not a whole lot.

I am 100% aware that most Mormons are not racist, and I don't hold people responsible for objectionable doctrines that their religion had or has. Every religion has its range from the fanatics to the casual people who just write in the name on forms but don't really believe in any of it. And every religion (and atheists too; stop denying it) has objectionable viewpoints. The key is to change those viewpoints if it doesn't compromise your moral beliefs.

And the Mormon Church has some of these, particularly on the subject of race. Google "white and delightsome" and check Wikipedia, and you'll find a lot of information on the subject. But the abridged version is that traditional Mormon beliefs (which were somewhat amended in the 80s) were that black people were the "cursed" offspring of Cain who were considered grotesque, loathsome, stupid and barbaric; American Indians or "Lamanites" have brown skin because God was displeased with them, and that they're destined to become Mormons and be transformed into "white and delightsome" people. This actually led to a program where they took Indian kids and placed them in Mormon homes so they could be indoctrinated.

I would like to emphasize that Mormon teachings have been rewritten in many cases, so "white and delightsome" is now "pure and delightsome" (although many other references make it clear that this is a racial and not spiritual reference). And there are plenty of jackasses of every stripe (all religions and atheists too) who can use scripture for their own prejudices. I get that. I understand it. And I'm not holding this racist dreck against all Mormons.

BUT...

If you belong to a religion that has a history of really racist teachings, it is a really, really, REALLY, REALLY stupid idea to write a story where becoming "perfect" turns Indians and black people PURE WHITE, where whiteness is innately connected to superiority, and where American Indians are ushered into the fold of the super-white people. You MIGHT be able to pass it off as stupidity if it came from an author of a different religion like Roman Catholicism, Episcopalianism, Buddhism, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, etc.... but for a member of a religion with a sketchy racial history, it's just STUPID.

This is one of the things I will credit the movie with. They apparently realized that having vampires who are ALL white is a good way to alienate all non-members of the KKK. So they made Laurent black.

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"What do you mean, I'm supposed to be WHITE?"

And the worst part is, this isn't the ONLY creepy-ass, offensive thing that Smeyer writes in that would be bad from another author, but seems particularly suspect from her.


All forms of skin pigmentation—freckles, moles, birthmarks, age marks, scars, and tattoos—disappear during the transformation.

  1. Scars are not a form of pigmentation. They are "repair tissue" that SOMETIMES has pigmentation.
  2. Funny how the "frozen at the moment they became a vampire" thing doesn't apply to anything that isn't perfectly white.
  3. Age marks? You mean someone actually was turned into a vampire AFTER they were a teenager? Perish the thought!
  4. Tattoos, huh? One of these things is not like the other... in that it's ARTIFICIAL.



Recently fed vampires will have deep red eyes if they drank human blood, and medium gold–colored irises if they drank animal blood.

... WHY?

I mean, if Smeyer is going to shovel out all these pseudo-biological explanations for her craptastic vampires, she doesn't get to pick and choose. What fucking reason is there for her vampires' eyes to change color?

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Yeah, I figured that.


It is possible to disguise this feature with colored contact lenses, but the lubricant in vampire eyes breaks the contacts down quickly.

Why bother? Nobody ever seems to notice except Mary Sues, even though the vampires are allegedly so gorgeous/scary that everyone pays attention to them ALL THE TIME.


"While vampires are frightening and deadly, they are also alluring. They can be beautiful; they can be sophisticated; they have qualities that we actually aspire to: eternal youth, strength, and intelligence. The dual side to vampires makes them hard to resist."
—Stephenie


Spoken by an Anne Rice fangirl who isn't interested in any vampires with moral ambiguity, ugliness, variety or any qualities that don't allow them to be "perfect."

Oh, and what makes vampires intriguing to many people is the depiction of good, evil, and the war between them, whether it's internal or between individuals. Of course, Smeyer's suckfests don't have anything of the sort, because REAL moral complexity would mean the admission that maybe her sparkly pricks aren't "perfect."

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Vampire teeth appear the same as human teeth; the canines are not longer or more pointed than human canines.

After all, the brown-skinned people are the ones who get animalistic traits. We mustn't have any beastly stuff on the WHITE people.

Also, this is REALLY stupid. The whole idea behind the fangs is that they behave similarly to the vampire bats' fangs.

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See those fangs? Those fangs are to cause small punctures in the skin, which keeps the blood flow from being too much for the bat to handle, and from being potentially harmful to the host animal.

And the same applies to traditional vampire fangs, which are depicted as-is because it would allow the vampire to suck blood WITHOUT causing it to spurt everywhere. It would just create two small holes that would ooze SOME blood, but wouldn't messily bleed all over the place.

Now have you ever seen human teeth?

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Do you know what happens when those teeth bite something or someone? They would ALL BITE. They would all CUT. And they would get blood all over the friggin' place, more than the vampire could suck at one time. In short, it would be a MESS. It would NOT be the best or most efficient design for a vampire's teeth.

This also raises two other questions:

  1. If Edturd and his family are running around the countryside killing endangered animals, why has no one found the carcasses with HUMAN TEETH MARKS on them?!
  2. Smeyer is actually ludicrous enough to have Bella investigating all the vampires that have existed throughout all of history. This raises the question: WHERE did the common vampire lore of fangs come from if they don't exist?! If vampires were real and had been known of throughout history, WHY THE HELL WOULD PEOPLE MAKE UP FAKE CHARACTERISTICS?!


And yes, I know that many mythical vampires did not have fangs, such as the jiang-shi, strigoi and the like. But a lot did. And to this day, people associate vampire bites with TWO SPACED PUNCTURE MARKS. Given that we live in the age of the Internet and just about ANY information is easily gained, you would think that the FACTS would be more easily spread than misinformation.

I mean, think about it. So vampire folklore has accurately spread tales of vampires being immortal... being pale... being frozen at the same age forever... having super-strength... having assorted powers. But WHY would they then be wrong about FANGS? How would that even COME UP if it was wrong?!

And yes, supposedly the Volturi have spread fake legends. But you know what? If I found dead bodies with teeth marks on the throat and no blood, I would NOT say, "Clearly this CAN'T be a vampire because vampires have fangs! So obviously some human being with abnormally sharp teeth and superhuman strength is drinking the blood of mountain lions/bears/humans!" When ONE DETAIL of a legend doesn't fit the reality, people consider that MAYBE JUST MAYBE the legend is in error.

Then again, Smeyer also thinks that the first things that come up when you google "vampire" are obscure academic sites with no pictures, backgrounds or flash. She fails the Interwebs!

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However, vampire teeth are unbreakable, razor sharp on their edges, and strong enough to cut through almost any substance, including vampire skin.

  1. You don't have to be a genius to know that nothing is UNBREAKABLE.
  2. You know what can break something unbreakable? THE SAME THING.
  3. Like Bella, I dream of French-kissing a dude with razor-sharp teeth. What could be sexier than severing your tongue?
  4. Again, what kind of stupid-ass evolutionary process would give vampires teeth that could not be effectively used for blood-sucking?
  5. Or is she going to go the Anne Rice route and say God created them to be better than human beings, because... for some reason He would want to do that, AND make their bodies make no logical sense?



Less noticeable than these physical features is the vampire‘s tendency toward stillness.

They like to sit on buses and stare at you. There are many restraining orders on them.


vampires are most comfortable when perfectly motionless. A common vampire reaction to stress is a statue-like immobility.

Really? I thought it was scampering around, acting like a spaz and shrieking obscenities at the nearest woman.


Vampires breathe reflexively, as do humans, but they have no need for oxygen.

... so do they also poop?


Vampires rely on their sense of smell above other senses, similar to many animal predators.

... and yet we hardly ever see them doing this, except when Edturd is huffing Bella's yummy floral blood.


Some very old vampires are visibly different from others because of this stillness.

Their heads resemble pinatas.


If a vampire remains unmoving often enough over thousands of years, dust actually begins to petrify in response to the venom-like liquids that lubricate his eyes and skin.

He then gets a seat in Congress.

And wow, this totally does not sound like other pale stony vampires who are happy to just sit there for millennia.

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Except for the sparkling, Smeyer just ripped off everything from other books, whether it's religious texts or other vampire books. Even the vampire/plain obnoxious human chick/werewolf love triangle has been done elsewhere... and just as badly.


Eventually, a vampire‘s skin begins to appear thin and translucent, like the skin of an onion—though the strength of the skin is not compromised.

Nor is their scintillating attractiveness! Exposed veins and muscles are just as sexy as cold hard toothpaste-colored glittery skin!

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Yeah, I know she said "translucent" instead of "transparent." But that's plenty stupid as well... since HUMAN SKIN IS ALREADY TRANSLUCENT.


A milky film covers the eyes, making the irises appear pink in color. Again, the vampire‘s eyesight is not compromised.

Because it's not like things over your eyes keeps you from seeing! Sort of like how having earplugs doesn't compromise your hearing!I swear, Smeyer can't bear to have ANYTHING that makes her vampires "non-perfect" at any time, in any situation, and in any condition.


Internally, the vampire‘s system contains many venom-based fluids that resemble, and in some cases perform the same function as, the human fluids that were replaced.

NO. NO. NO. NO.

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I don't know how things work in the Sparkly Unicorn Fairyland in Smeyer's head, but in the real world bodily fluids are not interchangeable. For instance, mucus is not interchangeable with tears. Bile is not interchangeable with saliva. Blood plasma is not interchangeable with synovial fluid. Every bodily fluid in your body fulfills certain unique functions that OTHER fluids cannot. If you tried to fuck with the chemistry EVEN A LITTLE, you would suffer some nasty, nasty effects.

And as an extension of that... a VENOM-BASED fluid would NOT WORK. Can you think of ANY logical reason why your joints need VENOM? And think about it - venom has ONE purpose: to damage the body of anyone it's injected into. It has no other function. It doesn't lubricate. It doesn't transfer nutrients or oxygen. It doesn't digest. It doesn't do ANYTHING but what I described. And if you DID try to do that, IT WOULDN'T WORK. The cells, the biochemical makeup - all of it would be WRONG. Because that isn't what venom DOES.

... WHAT PART OF THIS IS HARD TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND?


Only the saliva- like liquid in the vampire‘s mouth is venomous.

IT'S NOT SALIVA-LIKE. YOU FUCKING MORON. If it doesn't perform the same function it's not like saliva!


A fluid similar to this venom works as a lubricant between the hard cells of the skin, making movement possible.

beats head against wall

I give up. Smeyer doesn't realize that one fluid cannot be replaced by another. If it WERE, people would use diet Pepsi in blood transfusions!

And where the hell do these fluids come from? Fluids have to be GENERATED by glands. Do vampires spontaneously grow new glands?! They must, because otherwise WHERE DO THE FLUIDS COME FROM?

Here's a tip, you bimbo hack: if you try to create biological bases for your vampires, you have to go all the way. You can't make up a concrete non-supernatural aspect for your supernatural creatures AND NOT EXPLAIN BASIC SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!


Another lubricates the vampire‘s eyes so they can move easily in their sockets.

That's what tears are, dumbass.


However, vampires do not produce tears, as tears exist to protect the eye from damage by small foreign objects, and those objects would not be able to harm a vampire‘s eye.

BULLSHITBULLSHITBULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH THIS IS SO STUPID! HAVE YOU DUMBASSES NEVER HEARD OF WIKIPEDIA?!?!?!?!??!?! HATEHATEHATE FIRE DEATH HATE BURN DAMN STUPID FIRE DEATH KILLKILLKILLL....

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Okay, I'm calm, I'm calm.

Here are the reasons why this is FUCKING STUPID HATE HATE HATE...

  1. No. Tears are partly to wash out impurities... but it is ALSO for lubrication.
  2. I don't know what Stephenie Meyer thinks lubricates human eyeballs, but she's wrong since she thinks tears don't do that.
  3. And even if foreign objects did get into the eyes, they wouldn't need to DAMAGE the eyeball to cause trouble. Merely by being there, they would absorb fluids and cause friction - especially since apparently dust and other random crap will eventually PETRIFY upon contact with the vampire fluids.
  4. Ever heard of friction, Smeyer?
  5. I honestly wouldn't be shocked if this woman thought the earth was flat.



Throughout the body, this pattern is repeated, with venom-like fluids performing the functions that are still necessary to the vampire.

... and none of it makes any sense, because the author has Weetabix for brains.


Most notably absent is the circulatory system.

IT'S NOT ABSENT. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK.

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Vampires are frozen in the state at which they are transformed.

... except they spontaneously grow new glands, their eyes develop new structures, they produce new bodily fluids, and become the whitest white people ever.


Their fingernails and hair do not grow. Their hair does not change color.

They are stuck with dead skin for eternity. They are unable to grow new neural connections, leaving them unable to learn anything. They are unable to have erections.

In fact, sexual arousal of any kind would be impossible because allegedly their bodies are incapable of any kind of change. So the men wouldn't be able to get boners because they have no functioning circulatory systems. And even if you assume that they walk around with continuous boners, a woman's vagina wouldn't start lubricating itself and lengthening because, well no blood flow or fluid secretions.

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... too logical?

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